Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
