just tell him i said nine months
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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