Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
