You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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