Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
