So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
