Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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