i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
