Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
