During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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