I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
