dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
