Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
