You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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