sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
