What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
