I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
