So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
