How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
