we made out on top of his cat.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
