you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
