doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
