This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
