i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
