in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
