I just saw a hot homeless man
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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