dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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