News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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