Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize