Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
