I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
