Jerry, you need to find god
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
