Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
