And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
