two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
