dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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