I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
