guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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