My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
