Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
