My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
