I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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