Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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