Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
