it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
