some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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