we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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