Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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