I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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