If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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