fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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