he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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