she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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