I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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