well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
