his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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