One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
