I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
