Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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